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Ramblings on a scale not so grand
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Items by Pavilionopinions
Pavilion Opinions
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Ponting 'to retire and run for Pope'
Posted: April 26th, 2012, 9:51pm MDT by Pavilionopinions
Inspired by Sachin Tendulkar's appointment as an MP, Ricky Ponting today announced his retirement from cricket to become the next Pope. Despite a lack of grounding within Vatican politics, the former Australian captain said he was 'very much up for the challenge' and looking forward to becoming God's representative on Earth. Punter also emphasised his long history of pontificating from balconies. His Holiness: Ponting denies being under-dressed for his first Easter Mass Speaking from the Caribbean, the world's second highest -
Pushing the Envelope up Dubai's arse.
Posted: April 23rd, 2012, 3:24pm MDT by Pavilionopinions
A few weeks ago, I had a vocabulary envelope. It was a handy tool for a teacher of English abroad and sat quietly at the front of my classroom next to the CD player and marker pens. New words that came up in class were dropped into it to build up a lexicon which could be used in games at the end of lessons, such as Battleships, Connect Four and Blockbusters. It was productive way of revising vocab from throughout the year. Recently, a new administrative broom swept through the school and made clear nothing should be left in... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Captain, My Captain....
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 11:44pm MDT by Pavilionopinions
What could humanity achieve if Darren Sammy and Michael Clarke were given the world's reins for a day? No one can say for sure but these things would probably almost certainly come to pass if there was no heavy drizzle: 1) President Assad would say, 'Fair enough, I know it's not on,' and then hack himself to death with that Cliff Richard tribute album he bought on iTunes with his last words being 'Malcolm Marshall never got a home ten-for against Oz, you know, so well done Kemar.' 2) That IPL opening ceremony... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Forget T20. Internet rights are cricket's real Pandora's box
Posted: April 11th, 2012, 6:19pm MDT by Pavilionopinions
Writing in the 149th edition of Wisden, its new editor, Lawrence Booth, has some harsh and typically eloquent words for the cricketing authorities. As well as describing the spread of T20 as "a Pandora's box masquerading as a panacea" he also lambasted the "self-interest" of cricket's governing bodies and, in particular, the BCCI for "the growth of private marketeers and high level conflicts of interest" which he believes underlie the IPL and have coincided not coincidentally with India's fall from grace in the year following on from their second World Cup win. Seeing the crowds of... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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ICC fine Pietersen 'for distracting from DRS tedium'
Posted: April 6th, 2012, 11:05am MDT by Pavilionopinions
England Batsman and former Glee cast member Kevin Pietersen was today handed a $10,000 fine from the ICC and all Sky commentators after his switch hit antics in the Second Test unforgivably overshadowed further debate around the controversial Decision Review System. Pietersen, who received an official warning for time wasting on Thursday after Tillakaratne Dilshan refused to bowl to him because the Sri Lankan was in a massive strop, has called the fine 'ridiculous' and vowed to immediately appeal the decision once he had consulted with Andrew Strauss for two minutes and explained to Stuart Broad that "you can't use... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Not enough Grahams...
Posted: March 29th, 2012, 7:18pm MDT by Pavilionopinions
For England it's now four defeats on the spin - of all guises - and, despite the more dogged resistance offered in the second innings, it was always likely that Jonathan Trott's gallantry would only ever make the inevitable more galling when it came. Was there an element of disrespect towards Herath and Randiv in that England just seemed to go into the Test with no clearer batting game plan than the non-strategy they had against Pakistan earlier this year? In theory, it's probably fair to presuppose Herath poses less of a threat than Ajmal, but in the book... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Tigers and tremors: Is Cricket on the turn?
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 1:50am MDT by Pavilionopinions
The Kingston Test of 2009 and Chittagong World Cup defeat last March make it a precarious business for any Englishman to criticise the performances of the West Indies and Bangladesh over the last few years, but in terms of drifting both those sides have been pretty continental in recent times. Not aided by internal wrangles that would make Machiavelli hold his nose in disgust, it's been a largely frustrating and fruitless time for the teams which are perhaps the recipients of more goodwill from neutrals than any other nations in world cricket. The Tigers' spine-nibbling progress to... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Ride a White Spam to the CB Series finals
Posted: March 2nd, 2012, 12:37am MST by Pavilionopinions
Apart from admitting he'd ridden Rebekah Brooks whilst Grant Mitchell fed them both sugar lumps, it's hard to imagine quite how much worse today's horsegate scandal could be for David Cameron. Perhaps admitting he'd ridden a sugar lump whilst watching Phil Mitchell being all butch could compete on some levels, but it would at least not involve the thought of our prime minister's spamdex thighs sweating collusion juice into light beige breeches. I won't pretend I know whether Dinesh Chandimal would have had the foresight to turn round to Rebekah Brooks's husband Charlie... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Cricket at the Movies #3 - Du Plessis at Hanging Rock
Posted: February 25th, 2012, 11:17am MST by Pavilionopinions
Peter Weir's 1975 Picnic at Hanging Rock is all about the disappearance of three privileged girls from a private school in Victoria in the very early 20th Century. It relates but never explains how they vanish on a day trip after walking up that eponymous rock, but it is more about the pulsating, crushing power of lust, adolescence and class when forced together in an hourglass of colonial repression and, in similar vein to Nicolas Roeg's 1971 Walkabout, whether men are capable of coping with the torrid vicissitudes of unfamiliar environments be they natural or urban.... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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ECB vows to 'unleash hell' on fans drinking non-Buxton water
Posted: February 22nd, 2012, 4:10pm MST by Pavilionopinions
As part of another raft of measures designed to protect the ECB's commercial partners, Giles Clarke today vowed to 'unleash hell' against all spectators who fail to drink 'at least a litre' of Buxton water while watching England. In his latest attempt to 'defend our hugely vulnerable corporate family to the death', Clarke also announced that fans must drive to England games only in Jaguars and that any supporter found to be using a weight lifting supplement other than Maximuscle to shrink their genitals would be immediately barred from English county grounds for life. After... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Is Afridi still the man to rudder the good ship Misbah?
Posted: February 17th, 2012, 2:13pm MST by Pavilionopinions
His dashing, angelic looks make him more of a Dorian Gray, but in truth it's hard not to think of Shahid Afridi as the Benjamin Button of ODI batting given the splendour with which he began his career and the hair-pulling frustration that some of his recent immature knocks have produced. Wednesday's stump splaying dismissal to James Anderson was yet another piece of reckless self and team immolation that fans of both Pakistan and Hants have become increasingly familiar with over the past year or so. Just how boring can batting for your nation be that a 31-year-old man gets... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Radio Cricket Ep. 7: Out of Africa
Posted: February 12th, 2012, 10:16pm MST by Pavilionopinions
The all new, slinkily produced and nurtured Radio Cricket Ep. 7 is now available to nibble deliciously at your ears. In it, Altcricket and I discuss his trip to Kenya to promote HIV awareness through cricket and assess England's stodgy feet against the Pakistan spin attack in the Tests and who, if anyone, might be Andy Flower's men's saviour in the upcoming ODI series. We also discuss the apparent closed door policy of the IPL towards Pakistan players and muse on the early life of the new Bangladesh Premier League with its innovative approach to opening ceremonies.... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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India delighted to land Capello; Fletcher to lead England into Euro 2012
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 8:02am MST by Pavilionopinions
Mumbai, Thursday - A cock-a-hoop BCCI chief N Srinivasan last night announced that former England manager Fabio Capello will be taking over from Duncan Fletcher as India coach with immediate effect. Despite overseeing one of the most successful periods of Indian cricket, in which his fabled technical expertise has solidified Rahul Dravid's once parlous defence and reinvigorated the previously stodgy off side play of VVS Laxman, Fletcher will leave his job today, quite possibly on a Go Kart. Despite having also been in charge at Milan, Real Madrid and Roma, Capello said - in already near-perfect Hindi... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Updated Satirical dibbly dobblers
Posted: February 7th, 2012, 10:44am MST by Pavilionopinions
A collection of satirical efforts written for both Pavilion Opinions and Alternative Cricket (AC). If you found any of them half as amusing as some of Brad Haddin's batting this year then please do pass on. Cheers! On the BCCI sponsorship crisis: Mitt Romney to sponsor Team India On cricket's technological advances: Introducing the Pepsi Max Mindmic™ On India's left field training regime (AC): BCCI clampdown -Dhoni fined for six laps an hour Go Kart go slow On the Saeed Ajmal's action and austerity... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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BCCI crisis solved - Mitt Romney to sponsor team India
Posted: February 4th, 2012, 12:53am MST by Pavilionopinions
Following the collapse of their present sponsorship deal with Sahara India Parivar, the BCCI have announced that permahaired Republican presidential cardigan Mitt Romney will become the new financial partner of Indian cricket. Romney, whose wealth is estimated to be 'equal to or even greater' than that of Ravindra Jadeja, has signed a $40m deal which will see his prematurely embalmed face emblazoned across the shirts of all IPL players apart from Mitchell Johnson, who the Mormon ex-Massachusetts governor has specifically requested bowl his overs in a 'Gingrich 2012!' tank top whilst reading aloud from Going Rogue, the subtle... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Introducing the Pepsi Max Mindmic™
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 8:36pm MST by Pavilionopinions
Introducing the Pepsi Max Mindmic™... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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And they call it progress...
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 7:07pm MST by Pavilionopinions
Despite airy, muesli-ridden tweeting I am not, in fact, a Lib Dem student. That won't, however, stop me from referencing The Wicker Man in relation to England's astonishing collapse in Abu Dhabi in Saturday because - much like the futility of Edward Woodward reciting hymns as the flames begin to lap at his feet in the seminal folkish cult classic film - Andy Flower's charges just similarly stood and wittered as their fate was dealt out to them amidst a baying crowd delighted at their naivety and paralysis in the face of impending doom. That sort... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Graphic, not novel: How Lord's did for Broad the Enforcer
Posted: January 25th, 2012, 9:16pm MST by Pavilionopinions
Tweets abounded following Stuart Broad's very commendable 3-47 on the first day of the 2nd Test against Pakistan. Amidst the praise and usual Barbie banter, however, there was also lots of familiar comment about how Broad wasted a period of his career, albeit a relatively short one, striving to be England's 'Enforcer' i.e. banging the ball in short to rough up the batsman. This seems a fair assessment, not least because Broad is a 'pop-up bowler' in that he makes things happen when a game is drifting away from England in the field - Trent Bridge last year, for... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Written in the Gold Stars? 5 reasons Pakistan's win was no shock
Posted: January 19th, 2012, 11:43pm MST by Pavilionopinions
Hindsight isn't fit to lace the boots of Eric Adibal, but it still gets called wonderful by all and sundry. I'm on to you hindsight, but am still happy to use you for my own ends, namely suggesting that people, myself included, really had more than enough reasons to have seen the debacle of England's performance in the First Test against Pakistan coming. Here's five: 1) The Daddy of all harbingers was Andy Flower's men's performances with the bat on the subcontinent in the last year. Geographical pedants should note that that the pitch in Dubai... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Willis calls for £60m new yacht in honour of Darrell Hair
Posted: January 17th, 2012, 3:39pm MST by Pavilionopinions
Following fresh scandal over the questionable action of Pakistan spin wizard, Saeed Ajmal, one of Britain's leading men named Bob Willis today called for cricket to fund a new yacht in honour of controversial Australian umpire Darrell Hair. Revealed in a leaked email exchange with UK Education Secretary, Michael Gove, the former England quick wrote of how 'this outstanding and misunderstood Commonwealth figure' should be rewarded for his 'implacable, resolute stance against crookedness over many years'. Gove is believed to be sympathetic to the request, having once been trapped in front by Saqlain Mushtaq at Hove in 2007.... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...
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Still stumped by human rights: Three questions for the ECB
Posted: January 12th, 2012, 11:20pm MST by Pavilionopinions
A week into England's tour of the UAE to play Pakistan, there has now been the first mention I've seen of wicket keeper Steven Davies's sexuality, in a piece featured on BBC sport online. In it Joe Wilson reports on the comments of a UAE expat gay rights campaigner now based in Canada who calls Davies an 'inspiration' in his battle against the hardline approach of the Emirates' hierarchy towards LGBT people. When I wrote an article back in December suggesting that the ECB were a bit hypocritical in refusing to play Zimbabwe but happy... [ Click on title to read the original article ] ...